Rating and Dating an Ex(ercise)

BIG GYM AND I have been dating for the best part of ten years.

Truth be told, I haven’t been a good partner – flaking badly on dates, failing to return calls, blaming my deviant behaviour on a lack of time, work stress and even atmospheric conditions.

Matters weren’t helped by my flirtation with others.

Whitecollar Boxing seemed like an exciting fit at first but when the honeymoon period abruptly ended, I was left battered and bruised, unable to maintain the sadomasochistic levels of pain that had initially thrilled me.

Road Racing and Marathon Training appealed for a while. Stable and steady, predictable in its nature but without the excitement I craved. Soon enough, meetings became a chore and I grew tired after our plodding relationship.

Body Building seemed like an intelligent match – in many ways we were both suited – ambitious and competitive, target driven and committed, but the flicker of passion was snuffed out when I noticed the uglier side of my partner – an insatiable demand for attention, ego-driven and neurotic ways compelling me to look elsewhere for my other half.

Resigning myself to a lonely future on the shop window, a new kid on the block appeared as if from nowhere – Crossfit.

Healthy, strong, sexy and confident, there was no shortage of interest or suitors and I was delighted when we were introduced. We dated briefly but their manic, obsessive ways and almost religious zeal crept me out.

The past few months have brought a new partner into my life – the Kettlebell. I had always dismissed her as a weak willed companion, limited and inferior to her sexier peers. Little did I realise how wrong I could be.

Dating coach Pavel Tsatsouline connected us and whispered in my ear how to treat her right. Ms. Bell was most tickled by two positions. She liked to Get-Up and Swing. Just my type! Why learn the Kama Sutra when the optimal range to hit the spot could be achieved in a much more effective and efficient way?

It’s been a match made in heaven and for the first time I feel stronger and more invigorated after each session than when I first started. My strength and total command of my body without the pain and stress of long, laboured sessions is remarkable thanks to my new crush.

Any forlorn lovers spurned in the past or hurt by current partners would be well served to hook up with their own Ms. Bell – Her family is extensive and varied with sizes, shapes and colour to match every taste.

She’s a tough lover but treat her well and you’ll have a friend for life.

image uploaded on pinterest by user here

5 thoughts on “Rating and Dating an Ex(ercise)

  • Brilliant post, Aidan! Made me laugh. I’ve been trying to get into the habit of exercise of late but resolutely refuse to do the gym thing…running, press ups, sit ups, cycling, badminton, planking and the mother of all exercises…wall sitting…it is a killer…have you tried it?

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    • Thanks for reading gpj! Wall sitting? Is that what the old Karate teachers used to teach – sitting perpendicular to a wall with nothing to support you? You have to have some enjoyment from it or there’s just no point! We’re in marathon season in Ireland and the amount of people I see pounding the roads, sweating buckets and clearly in severe pain and discomfort is sickening. Crazy!

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      • You got it re: wall sitting. It must be the most brutal form of doing nothing I have ever tried. I managed two minutes the other day and then hobbled about a bit. It was recommended to me as a way of strengthening legs for running…time will tell on that score. I can just imagine the roads of Ireland being full of joggers in the rain…dating your kettle bell seems preferable. 😀

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