APPROACHING EXAM TIME, I figured it might be a good juncture to offer up a ‘How-To‘ article, especially for students suffering burnout and searching for a way out of the annual misery that accompanies end of year school term.
To buy yourself more time to study properly – really properly this time, honest – here is a fail safe guide, designed by a seasoned exam dodger and broken bone specialist. Been there, broke that.
Without further ado here are the eight sure-fire steps to securing a cast that will be the envy of your fellow students.
- Buy a return ticket to Bolivia. If you’re going to break a wrist, you want the backdrop to be interesting.
- Sign up to cycle The Death Road tour aka ‘The World’s Most Dangerous Road.’ Please see above. This is ammo for future pub banter when you fail your exams and drop out of college.
- Get shit-faced drunk the night before. This step is critical to ensure your coordination the morning after is jeopardised, coupled with it being (hopefully) the first time you’ve rode a bicycle since childhood.
- Neck a shot of hard spirits at the summit. Not only will it help you to acclimatise to the altitude of 12,000 feet, but it will provide a pain cushion for your impending fall. Honest.
- Hover around the back of the group. The last thing you need is someone to cycle over you or worse, veer around you and plummet off the cliff to their inevitable death. Stay focused!
- Choose a spot where you know the tour guide will be placed with his camera. This is purely to share with sceptical teachers who bemoan the timing of your bad luck.
- Accelerate as fast as you can until one of the many potholes flips your bike, tipping you over and onto your outstretched hand.
- Continue cycling for at least 15 minutes after the accident. While your mangled hand might flop like a fish out of water, the shock vibrations of the road will help worsen the injury.
As for the consequences – mopping up insurance claims, having surgery to set three screws in your wrist, conversing with surgeons in pigeon Spanish, loading your rucksack around with a cast – all that can wait, because, guess what…
…you just bought yourself a reprieve.
Now, how to explain to the teachers that your broken left wrist was actually your good hand.