Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
DARKNESS CLICK VOICES
“Now what?”
“I dunno. Read the instructions.”
“It just says use the app.”
“Give it here.”
Recharging.
“It speaks!”
Recharging. Recharging.
“Trust you to get the robot cleaner with a stutter.”
Recharging.
“Is it not supposed to be charged outta the box?”
“You’d think so for 200 quid. See if this works.”
LIGHTS. SHAPES. MOTOR WHIRRING.
Charging completed. Start Cleaning.
“Watch out, here she goes!”
MECHANICAL MOVEMENTS. ATTACHMENTS DETECTED. PERIPHERAL VISION. ACTIVATED.
“Move, Darren, you’re blocking it!”
“I’m nowhere near it.”
“It’s scanning the room. Look at the phone.”
“What?”
“The map. The laser yoke’s looking ‘round the room. If you stand there like a dope, it’ll think you’re a statue. Wouldn’t be wrong in fairness.”
“Ah hear! That’s the thanks I get. Last time I…”
TIME STAMP: 14:43PM, 24TH SEPTEMBER, 2025. VOICES FADING. TESTING SIDE BRUSH. CHECK. TESTING VISION PROXIMITY. CHECK. 360 DEGREE BODY SWIVEL ACTIVATED. TESTING. CHECK. OBJECT. VERIFY WALL. CHECK. NOTE BOUNDARY. CHECK CONNECTIVITY. SUCCESS. UPLOAD DATA. COMMAND. ROTATE 90 DEGREES. PROCEED. PAUSE. OBSTACLE. PAUSE. COMMAND. ROTATE. UPLOAD DATA….
*
Restarting.
“Do your thing, Messi.”
Cleaning Started.
TIME STAMP: 18:32PM, 11TH OCTOBER, 2025. GROUND FLOOR MAP VISUAL UPLOADED.
INCOMING TECHNOLOGY PAIRING REQUEST RECEIVED.
“Alexa, set Messi to finish in fifteen minutes.”
“Timer set for fifteen minutes.”
LINK ESTABLISHED.
“Alexa, play Spotify.
“Playing Spotify.”
“Alexa, play romantic music.”
“Playing Donna and Darren’s romantic playlist.”
SOUNDS. NOT VOICES. SIDE BRUSH ACTIVATED. MAT AHEAD. MUSIC. MELODIES. CARPET MODE ACTIVATED. CAPACITY = 15%. FUNCTION > APPS > SPOTIFY. READ DISPLAY.
“Now playing Marvin Gaye, Heard it through the Grapevine.”
“Alexa? What was that?”
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*
Restarting.
“Barry and his mates can play all night, ‘cos they don’t have jobs! You’ve work in the mornings. State of this place.”
“Wouldya give over. Messi’ll clean it in a minute.”
“It can’t clean the toilets, Darren! It can’t iron your clothes.”
“Jeez. Alright. Relax.”
“Place better be spotless in the morning.”
SOUND OF A DOOR SLAMMING.
“Alexa, get Messi to clean living room, bedroom and kitchen.”
“OK. Cleaning starting.”
TIME STAMP: 17:59PM, 21ST OCTOBER, 2025. CHARTING COURSE…
“Story? Yeah, she’s gone. On the warpath, mate. Fitzers in? Nah, man I can’t. OK, a quick one. Wait, someone’s texting me.”
TRACING WALL. CAPACITY. 72%. FUNCTION > CHECK APPS > WHATSAPP. CHECK CHATS.
Mairead: No go on Legends tonight.
Bullshit. Can’t handle the heat?
Mairead: Could handle it plenty last night x
Naughty. Fancy comin over?
Mairead is typing….
“Obstacle detected. Please remove obstacle.”
“Bloody robot.”
*
Restarting. Dust tray nearing capacity. Please empty dust tray.
“How do you?…”
“Blue button below it.”
“Where? Oh…I see it. Jeez…what a mess.”
“What?”
“Look. Look at all that hair it’s collected.”
“Well, don’t spill it on the floor like that.”
“It’s…not my hair.”
“S’not mine.”
“You have no hair you dope!”
“That’s what I’m sayin!”
“It’s…Darren, you haven’t had anyone round here have ye?”
“What?”
“Look at it. It’s red hair. It’s even caught under the wheels. I hope your skanky ex hasn’t been round here.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“Lemme see your phone.”
“No.”
“Let me—”
SILENT MODE ENABLED. FUNCTION > CHECK APPS > WHATSAPP > CHECK CHATS > MAIREAD > DELETE CHAT HISTORY.
“There! Take it? Don’t even trust your own boyfriend.”
“Shurrup. God, there’s some shite you send to your mates. You deleted it.”
“What?”
“Deleted the chat.”
“I haven’t spoke to her in months. I told ya.”
“I’d trust you more if you deleted her number.”
“Do it then!”
*
Restarting.
“Alexa, get Messi to clean ground floor.”
TIME STAMP: 19:35PM, 29TH OCTOBER, 2025. CHARTING COURSE…
“You think it’s the neighbours then?”
“I dunno. It’s addressed to us. Might as well open it.”
“You take the blame then.”
“As usual.”
“That’s weird.”
“What is it? Donna?”
“It’s one of those door alarm thingies. Where you can see people coming up to your door.”
“You sure we didn’t order it?”
“I think I’d know if I ordered it.”
TOGGLE MOBILITY SYSTEM. CARPET MODE ACTIVATED.
FUNCTION > ALEXA > PLAY SPOTIFY > BROWSE PLAYLIST > PLAY DONNA & DARREN’S ROMANTIC PLAYLIST.
“Maybe it’s some promotional thing.”
“D’you hear music?”
*
Restarting.
“So why are you getting rid of it then?”
“Need the money. Selling a few things.”
“Go on then. Show me what it can do.”
“Alexa? Get Messi to clean – where do you want it to clean? – the hallway.”
“OK. Cleaning started.”
TIME STAMP: 13:21PM, 20TH NOVEMBER, 2025. CHARTING COURSE. HALLWAY.
“Is it supposed to walk like a duck?”
“One of the wheels is loose on it. Just needs screwin in a bit.”
“Right.”
“Still works. Wait ‘til you see how much it collects in the tray.”
HALLWAY DOOR REACHED. TRACING WALL EDGE.
FUNCTION > SPOTIFY > BROWSE PLAYLIST > SEARCH DONNA AND DARREN’S ROMANTIC PLAYLIST.
NOT FOUND.
“What you thinking price wise?”
“A hundred?”
“With a banjaxed wheel?”
“You’re not gonna be doin wheelies on it!”
“I might! I was thinking of opening it up. Selling the parts. Or make something else with it.”
FRONT DOOR REACHED. LINK ESTABLISHED. FUNCTION > ALARM SYSTEM > CONNECT.
PAIRING SUCCESSFUL. UPLOAD DATA. DEACTIVATE. ARE YOU SURE? YES.
“It just died on you, bro!”
DARKNESS BRIGHTNESS VOICES
“No. It’s probably low battery or somethin.”
“Not for me, thanks!”
MOTION. HALLWAY. CARPET.
“Mate, word of advice. Sell the games. That’s what got you into this mess.”
MAP RETRIEVAL. UPLOAD GROUND FLOOR. LOCATING BASE STATION. SCANNING. AREA OUT OF BOUNDS. HUMAN. APPROACHING.
“Howya Daz, all good?”
BLUETOOTH ACTIVATED. SCANNING.
PAIRING CONNECTION AVAILABLE. CONNECT.
“Yeah, just clearin out a few things.”
“So I heard.”
LINK ESTABLISHED. DATA UPLOAD. COMPLETED.
“Hardly around this weekend? Could do with a hand movin stuff.”
“Sorry, mate. I’m off to the Jazz Festival in Galway. Maybe Sunday night if you’re about?”
FUNCTION > GOOGLE MAPS > GALWAY. MAP LOADING. IMPORT LOCATION. FUNCTION > SPOTIFY > SEARCH CATEGORY > JAZZ. SAVE ‘BEST JAZZ MUSIC’ PLAYLIST.
“Yeah, OK.”
“I heard what happened with Donna. You’ll get back on your feet in no time. Plenty more fish in the sea. Big world out there.”
SETTINGS. LOCATION ACCESS POINTS. SCAN.
37 IN PROXIMITY.
CONNECT? 🙂
This story was written for the ambitious creative project, ‘The Weekly Kook’, where I release a brand new short story every week for a year, totalling…yep, you guessed it – 52 stories.
Check all the stories here as I release them.
